Being a species as obsessed with our physical appearance as we are, it’s inevitable that there’s going to be a lot of people out there looking for a quick fix, a magical pill that will give them the body they want without having to lift a finger. Diet pills are something that a lot of girls ask me about, and being someone who has abused pretty much every fad diet and pill under the sun, here’s what I have to say about them.

First things first. If you take diet pills, you’re stupid. If you take diet pills and you don’t work out, you’re really stupid. I know at first that sounds entirely hypocritical of me, but I am the first person to admit that I was stupid for taking diet pills and I wish I’d never touched them. Whenever a girl who never works out asks me for advice on which diet pills work out, I want to smash my face into a wall.

I don’t think anyone in this world can say they’re 100% completely well-adjusted. We all have our issues, and mine have always fallen within the realms of poor body image. Many years ago I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a condition in which the sufferer has a warped perception of their physical image and sees flaws that are insignificant or invisible in reality. Although these days I have it under control and my BDD ‘attacks’ are few and far between, I used to be pretty bad. It peaked about four years ago, and funnily enough it coincided with me signing up for a gym for the very first time. I don’t know if working out and focusing on my body triggered something inside me, but within months I was so completely obsessed with diet and exercise and was so convinced I was hideous and overweight that I struggled to even leave the house because I thought people would stare at me and laugh and say to their friends, “Look at that fat, ugly girl!” I was training at the gym for hours every day, counting ever calorie that went into my body, and I was in a desperate, unhealthy headspace.

And then along came Clenbuterol. This is one drug that people ask me about frequently. Clen is a catabolic steroid used for treating asthma in racehorses, and when taken by humans it will increase your heart rate and raise your core body temperature causing you to burn calories even when sitting still. It also makes you nauseated, shaky, sweaty and anxious, and you’ll pretty much feel like shit the whole time you’re on it. Aside from that, excessive usage can damage your central nervous system and harden the walls of your heart. But I took it anyway, and got some crazy weight loss results very rapidly. After about two weeks, being the crazed, unstable psychopath I was at the time, I decided that upping my dosage would surely mean even faster results… which resulted in a near overdose, causing me to start blacking out while driving home from the gym along a busy road. I nearly called an ambulance on myself and I thought my heart was going to explode. It was probably the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I honestly can’t even put it into words how much I regret ever taking Clenbuterol. My near overdose triggered a long string of panic attacks and hypochondria that seriously impacted my life for about a year or so following that day. It was the worst year of my life, and I was probably a really shit person to be around for that entire time because anxiety ruled my life. Thankfully with the help of an amazing psychiatrist and a lot of determination, I recovered from it and now I am free from any anxiety nonsense, but it really messed me up for a while there.

Did I learn my lesson? Nope. As soon as I found out I was shooting for the cover of Penthouse, I got my grubby little hands on some Duromine (aka Phentermine), a prescription only, amphetamine-based appetite suppressant. This is the drug I get asked about the most. I can’t even count how many girls I know who put this shit in their bodies who don’t do any physical activity whatsoever, and it’s just so fucking stupid. All Duromine is gonna do is make you starve yourself, make you feel like you’re coming down from speed, make you not be able to sleep properly, and you’ll constantly feel super dehydrated.

I took Duromine for 12 days straight and had a near psychotic episode. I’m talking hallucinations and everything. By day 12 I was so exhausted and scattered and hungry I could do nothing but pace around my house, sipping water every 30 seconds and weighing myself a hundred times a day. I’d look in the mirror and see the reflection of an obese person, then cry hysterically on the couch. If you take Duromine for an extended period of time, it’ll turn you into a crazy fucking bitch. If you stop taking Duromine, and I guarantee this, you will gain back every pound you lost while taking it. Duromine is the stupidest diet pill ever, and if you take it and think it’ll make you lose weight without putting in any effort, you’re a fucking idiot.

So there you have it. You want to lose weight? Get off your ass and go to the gym. Put down the cheeseburger and make yourself a grilled chicken salad. I still struggle with my weight, and I’m much bigger than I want to be but I will never go back to putting that shit into my body. Unless you’re one of those genetically blessed tiny people, weight loss is hard and takes time and effort and patience. If you want a boost on top of your diet and exercise regime, try some legal, over the counter supplements, and use them in moderation.

I know that so many girls think drugs like this are an easy quick fix, and if you were one of them I really hope you will listen to me when I say how stupid they are. I’d give anything to take back the Clenbuterol incident and the year of bullshit it caused. Don’t make the same mistakes I did, because diet pills are dangerous, unhealthy, and can totally fuck you up. 

And on that note, I’m heading to the gym. Later alligators